I GOT A TROPHY!

I got a trophy just now. Wasn't expecting it at all. I got the LOUSIEST BOYFRIEND EVER trophy!!!! With compliments of being an insensitive, idiotical and selfish asshole.

Well... I won't say i expected it. Cause it would be bullshit. I can see cracks in others, yet i'm blind enough not to see my own. All this while, i have always thought i was a lucky asshole.

Guess i was spot-on. Every other guy goes with the "What's he doing with this girl?" look. She said, this was the happiest relationship that she had. Well i guess she got cheated.

Cheated in every way. Because i realised, i only made her happy for that instance. It was because of that instance that hid the cracks, that i got blinded. Haha. Stupid me. I didn't know there was a problem. Stuck in my own bubble of bliss. Should've slapped myself.

Cheated because i didn't woo her, cheated because i used those instances to cover up the unsettled past. I was happy, but at the expense of her. I should like fucking hell get punched in the balls. Seriously. I'm sorry, for not being a truthful person. All i did was be a selfish bastard.

She said, she was lucky to have me. Sorry, you're downright wrong. I'm lucky to have you. Yet for you, you must be the most unlucky person in the world, because you got baited by the worst type of fish.

A carefree idiot.

I'm too carefree... Riding the waves like the fucking silver surfer.

Not having anything to say except for uh, ok, aiya... There have been little or no solutions from my fucked up mind or mouth. I am an idiot in this. I'll say that firmly and confidently. Cause i'm lost. As always. A friend, chey, calling myself a lover would be a down right disgrace.

Who knows i might even have that cheating instance tomorrow. Zzzz. Fucking cheater. Somebody hit me. Why the jealousy, why the hate, why the stares. Because they're mindset is correct, i don't deserve you.

Running away... yet again.. From another problem. I might not even be able to solve this problem.

Ironic, how i told somebody to never undermine themself, yet i'm doing it with ease right now.

But i don't know what is more ironic, me contradicting myself? Or me slowly killing myself even with the knowledge that i'm dying because of it.

Did you know, i mean honestly, i don't think you care too much about this. But there will be, there have been, and there always be guys who will care much better for you. There will never be a shoulder too far away. I think mine just came first, chey, another cheated event for you. I'm so sorry.

But my apologises won't do good. They never will.

I never want to lose you. I never ever thought of leaving you, even though there may be doubts. There are times i don't care, blinded by my fucked up concept. But i have NEVER thought of anything else other than to release whatever shit that i think i'm having.

I get jealous, i get paranoid. I just don't show it. I'll admit, i've never been happier. I haven't had my heart truly broken before, but hell i swear that i know how its going to feel.

And even after saying this much. I've just gone in loops. Fucker. Seriously a damn fucking loser.

Ahh fuck... As always...